It has been a long time since posting. I have recently come to the realization that I am most likely clinically depressed. I mentioned this in my first post, but I think it’s a certainty now. This is me getting everything down in the same place.
At the time of my last writing, we were still stuck in the crappy townhome in the crappier neighborhood. We had the possibility of being able to purchase a very nice house in my hometown, and I was very excited for that. Unfortunately, we were not able to make an offer on the place at the desired price, and we are still having thoughts about moving down to Virginia in a few years, so we didn’t think it was wise to take out another mortgage if we were having these ideas. We are kind of sick of NJ. Most of our family is here, and I am hesitant to leave them for a faraway place, but it’s Jersey. It’s freakin’ cold, and the property taxes are insane, as are the insurance costs. We pay higher taxes because of the “great” school system in NJ, but since we don’t have kids, we don’t really have to care about how good the schools are in the area.
However, we asked the owner of the house if he and his wife would be willing to rent it to us, and he was agreeable to that. This was fantastic news for us; the rate is very reasonable for the space, the neighborhood is great, and we were able to get out of that awful place we were in.
We have been there for almost 3 months now…and I am still sad.
I suppose I have always been this way, at least for most of my teenaged to adult life; I had just forgotten about it. In high school I was depressed, but I assumed that it was because I never had a girlfriend, and was from a family that wasn’t as well off as the other students’ families (I went to private school). In my first year of college it was the same. After that it was a mixture of ups and downs, but I guess I was always busy with school, work, friends, relationships, etc, so I was never very “down.” When we moved into our townhouse, I think that my negative feelings were masked by the fact that the living situation was just bad, so I guess I assumed that I just felt bad as a byproduct of that.
Fast forward to now. I am living in a nice area, I am married to a wonderful woman, and, while I dislike my job greatly (I’m sure that’s part of it), I am employed and making a decent salary. And yet, I am still in this fog. I can’t remember things as well as I used to be able to, which is a symptom of depression. I have grown to dread going out to social functions. I care little for playing video games anymore; something that was a big bright spot for most of my life. I feel that most of my friends think I’m an idiot. This is especially weird for 2 of them in particular, since we did the same graduate program together, and I got better grades than them. Grades aren’t the best indicator of intelligence, of course, but I think it should show that there are at least a few neurons firing somewhere in my cranium. I HAVE recently started putting a lot more time into practicing with my guitar, but I am bogged down with feelings of hopelessness…that I’ll never be very good at it, even though my friend and instructor says that I’m improving every week.
I’ve had a couple of “bad” days in the past month or so. These are days where I feel so down that I could cry…and sometimes I do. I haven’t had one of those days in many years, but now they’re back. Again, I think I’m having them now because we’re out of the shithole, and my mind is telling me that I SHOULD be feeling better, but I am not, and I don’t know what to do. General feelings of hopelessness…hate the new job, I feel like I’ll never get out of debt between the student loans and the piece of shit house, my friends think I’m stupid, and maybe I am. Since I am having trouble remembering things lately, my feelings of stupidity are amplified. My wife has told me before that she doesn’t have much of a sex drive anymore, and maybe that’s because I’m unattractive to her nowadays. It all kind of came to a head last night, because I was feeling bad, and I guess I was in a bad enough mood that my wife even started crying. I hate myself for making her feel like that.
Depression fits…it’s always been there; I guess it just sort of lied dormant for some years. My mom, I’m pretty sure, is an undiagnosed case, and my sister is on meds, so it certainly seems to make sense. I have more “good” days than “bad” days, which is a good thing, but I would rather there be no bad days at all. I suppose I need to change jobs, to something that will make me happy about having to work, but I have no idea what I can do that WON’T require I go back to school, as I refuse to take on any more student debt (I am still crawling out of that hole…$44K to go). I guess we need new friends, too, since the ones we have don’t seem to respect me or my wife. Not saying that I want to be shown Marlon Brando in The Godfather levels of respect…I would just prefer if they didn’t act as if nothing I say is correct, and that my opinion on pretty much everything is dumb. I don’t think it is, anyway. Maybe I should get a dog. Would cheer me up, but I would dread the housebreaking, and I don’t like the idea of cleaning up poop when there’s an inevitable accident.
I am going to be seeking help, though. I guess just a counselor at first. I don’t want drugs. Sex…pleasuring my wife is one of the few things that make me happy, and I would not want to lose the ability to do that. I used to see a therapist when I was in high school, and a little bit in college. Unfortunately, he passed away a few years ago. He was a very good psychologist..kinda reminded me of Regis Philbin. I guess I’ll go the psychologist route, because the couple of times I’ve been to a psychiatrist, it seemed like all they want to do is medicate you and hope for the best. I think maybe someone to help put things into perspective would be good.
I made an appointment with my family physician the other week. I wanted him to look at my hand to tell me if I had carpal tunnel, and to refer me to someone to talk to. I have no idea who’s good around here, so I was hoping he would be able to recommend someone good. I JUST got a call from them saying they were cancelling appointments for today, so now I will have to wait until Friday. Bummer.
Well, there it is. I’m a mess…have always been, and I don’t know what to do.